“Our church is really not for you.”
That was actually said to a guest by a church member. Not in jest. Not in passing. In all sincerity.
Unfortunately, it’s not the only instance of a church failing miserably to welcome someone new.
I’ve been fascinated by the topic of church guests for years. Maybe obsessed is a better word. I’ve written dozens of articles, led research projects, and gathered stories from across the country. Some of those stories are positive—uplifting, even. But others? They reveal a side of the church that’s hard to face.
In fact, one of my most-read blog posts—focused on how churches treat guests—has been viewed nearly one million times. It’s not viral because it’s funny or controversial. It’s viral because it hits a nerve.
So, I combed through hundreds of your comments and emails and compiled what I call the top ten worst guest experiences reported by real people in real churches. There’s no joy in sharing these stories, but there’s clarity. These experiences shine a spotlight on what must change if we truly want to be welcoming communities of grace.
1. “Our church is really not for you.”
A guest, visiting a church for the first time, was told by a member that she didn’t belong there. Why? Because she was Black. No one intervened. No one apologized. The church has since remained an all-white congregation, but it is declining rapidly—spiritually and numerically. The damage caused by that one comment cannot be overstated.
2. “You’re too late. You can’t come in.”
Two guests arrived late for a worship service. They were unaware that the church website had published the incorrect service time. When they finally found the right door, the ushers blocked them and told them the service had already started. They turned around and left, likely wondering why anyone would be so cold to visitors.
3. “We’re at capacity. You’ll have to leave.”
A single mom brought her four young children to church, looking for spiritual support and a safe place for her kids. But when she arrived at the children’s area, she was told the rooms were full—and that there was no room for her children. No alternatives were offered. She was sent home. Last I heard, she hasn’t returned to any church since.
4. “That’s my parking spot.”
A guest attempted to park in an available space near the main entrance. Just as she was pulling in, a longtime member drove up, honked loudly, and told her the spot was his. The confrontation left her rattled. She drove off and never came back. To this day, that church member parks in the same spot each Sunday—alone.
5. “You’d be more comfortable somewhere else.”
A woman walked into church wearing clothing that didn’t match the unspoken dress code of the congregation. She was doing the best she could with limited means, but a member pulled her aside and suggested she might fit in better elsewhere. She never entered the sanctuary. Her only experience of that church was rejection at the door.
6. “Small groups are for members only.”
During a Sunday service, the pastor announced that the church’s small groups were exclusively for members. He stated clearly—and publicly—that guests were not allowed to join. Sitting in the congregation were several first-time visitors who had hoped to find a place to connect. Instead, they were shut out before they even had a chance.
7. “You’re in her pew.”
A family of six arrived early to find a seat together. They chose an open pew and settled in. A few minutes later, a longtime member approached and bluntly told them they needed to move. That was “her” pew. The guests quietly stood, walked out of the sanctuary, and didn’t return. The pew has remained mostly empty ever since.
8. “You’re singing too loudly.”
During a worship service, a guest was fully engaged—singing with joy and enthusiasm. A member seated nearby tapped him on the shoulder mid-song and told him he was singing too loudly. The moment crushed his spirit. He never returned, and that moment became his defining memory of that church.
9. “Let me tell you how terrible the pastor is.”
A guest, visiting a church for the first time, was approached by a stranger in the lobby. The stranger—who turned out to be a church member—immediately launched into a tirade about how terrible the pastor was. The guest didn’t know the member. He didn’t know the pastor. But he knew enough to realize he didn’t want to return.
10. Locked doors and no signs.
A single mom, struggling with three kids and carrying an umbrella, showed up in the rain for a Sunday service. She tried three doors—each one locked. There were no signs to guide her. Meanwhile, longtime members were entering through the one door everyone else “just knew” about. She eventually gave up and drove away, soaked and discouraged.
Final Reflections
There is no humor in these stories. Only heartbreak.
They’re not exaggerations or rare anomalies. They’re real accounts from real guests—people who took a chance on visiting a church, only to be met with indifference, inconvenience, or outright hostility.
These stories are painful to hear, but they matter. They reveal what happens when churches turn inward, when tradition trumps mission, and when “welcome” is just a word on a sign rather than a way of life.
Let them serve as reminders. As warnings. And perhaps most importantly, as invitations—to do better, to love more deeply, and to remember that every guest is a soul seeking a place to belong.
Let me hear from you.
Posted on August 11, 2025
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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25 Comments
The “this is my pew” thing isn’t just to visitors. Our first church as adults had 2 services on Sunday morning. 4 or 5 times a year, there would be unified service. I was in the choir and had to be on platform early. Nothing was more amusing than watching the jockeying that went on between the first service and second attendees over who got to sit in “their” seats.
Ouch.
I like to go to different churches when I am on holidays for this reason as well as to receive feeding in a different way. You never know what God has in store for you. This was my favourite disaster.
We decided to go to an evening service because my son was playing soccer in the morning. We chose a church not too far away and we arrived just as the service was starting. The kids were feeling a bit shy and so we tried to sneak in without drawing attention to ourselves. There was an usher at the door and as we walked in, his first words were; “Here’s trouble!”
I had never met this person before, so I could not work out how he knew how much trouble I could be, but the trouble was that he had run out of hymn books. As a visitor, that wasn’t my problem, but he immediately made it my problem by ignoring my please to not worry about it.
We went in to find a seat and the only empty ones were up the front, where our very efficient usher was waiting for us. There was no way we were going down there! So we found our own seats by squishing into the very back row next to the sound man. Undeterred, the intrepid usher pinched some books from people he obviously knew in the congregation and we were finally trouble free.
We sat through some unsingable hymns and then came the solo. I guess this was a tradition in that church, because it was announced that way. The soloist of course, had to be the sound man and you guessed it, we had trapped him in! Our family, still trying to be inconspicuous, had to stand with the soloist as everyone turned to the back. Perhaps they thought we were travelling minstrels, but we were soon able to find our seats again as the man took his long walk to the front of the church.
Consequently we weren’t so aware of the long silence in proceedings before the singer struck his first note.
When the service ended, coffee was announced and I thought this would be a good opportunity to meet a few of the people, but by this time the boys were a bit shell shocked and just wanted to go. I did, however, make an effort to find the coffee and went out the door I had entered through, only to realize that the members had opened a hole in the retractable wall at the side of the worship space and had made their way into some secret member’s coffee place. I didn’t bother to try to get in: -it had been hard enough finding the toilet.
These people never knew who it was that had visited them, no one bothered to ask our names and no one had the chance to after the service. It was a good learning experience for me, as to how easy it was to make a called and ordained servant of the Word not want to be in church. How would a non-Christian fare, or a new believer or maybe even an active Christian who has just moved into the area?
That is a sad commentary.
We had a bad experience in a church, when our som was three or four years old. He was very noisy and there were some people that looked at us in a bad way. One Sunday our son was very feisty and noisy and we decided to leave, because the stares were very hurting.. When we were in the parking lot, two woman of God came to us and told us not to leave. They were very loving and understanding with us, so we returned. The hard lookers learned to love our son and we stayed in that congregation until the Pastor retired. Then, we decided to move to another congregation from a different denomination, because there was no new candidates for pastor and, in our opinion, the synod handled the situation without respect to the wishes of the local church, expressed through the votes of the overwhelming majority of the church members. That meant that the intromissions from the synod were likely to be repeated in other congregations of that demomination.
At that time our son was a teenager that needed a stable church, with a steady pastoral figure and more teenagers to interact with. We moved to a church where he now has, not one, but two pastors whom we all love and respect and there are other teenagers that he calls friends.
I talked to a young couple who have been attending our church. They would echo many of the stories above in their search. At one church they decided to visit Sunday School first (brave, I know). There, seated in a circle, an older man looked at them and demanded, “Are you saved and baptized?” That was all anyone said to them. They were, but never returned.
Ugh.
I am a pastor and I’ve heard many of these horror stories over the years. Here is mine (one of them, at least). On a rare Sunday off, my family and I went to a church near our home. We arrived and found out that the guest singer at the church was one of the youth at my church, so we were excited. The pastor called the children forward for the children’s sermon and I took our daughter up. When we went back to the pew, my wife was missing and a couple were sitting there. Someone pointed to the back and we went out into the narthex. My wife said they told her “this is our pew” and she gathered up everything and went out the doors. We told the ushers what happened, they shrugged, then closed the doors to the sanctuary IN OUR FACES!
Ouch! That’s terrible.
When we first moved to the Richmond area 25 years ago we were a young family. A professional mom and dad with a (darling) three year old boy. So, we started visiting churches, mainly our denomination but not exclusively. We visited 14 churches in the metro area, and of those 2 contacted us after the service on Sunday. Of the 14 in only two churches did anyone talk to us beyond the pastor at the back door. I never really realized what a warm welcome meant to a visitor until we went to church after church and were barely acknowledged. The church my wife and son eventually joined was the only one where the pastor acknowledged us. Believe you me, we have made welcome and inclusion a big deal in every church I have pastored since then.
Good for you!
I am a worship pastor, and was filling in at another church for a friend on a Sunday. Because we do things as a family, my wife and five kids sat in an empty pew near the front. No one there knew her or my kids. During the ‘welcome’, an angry woman leaned past her to the pew in front of her, and proclaimed how ‘this woman’ took her pew. They had no issue talking literally around her, but not once to her. My wife understands church people can be ungodly. My kids never forgot.
I hate it for the kids.
What in the world! It is enough to make your blood boil. This is a “Jesus flipping over the tables” moment. We just finished a series on being “safe” people and if there should be a place where there are “safe” people, it should be in the church but this is just disgraceful. Thank you for the warning and making sure that we are taking the planks out of our own eyes as well.
Good point.
My daughter and I decided to visit a church one Sunday that was starting a 2 pm afternoon service. We like to visit other churches when it’s possible, and a 2 pm service afforded that opportunity.
When we visited, no one spoke to us. As we entered the church, we said “Hi” to those we met. They returned no greeting, they would just nod. The pastor of the church was sitting at the back of the church and as we walked past to get a seat, he just looked at us. He never greeted us.
Now I do not need someone to greet me to feel welcomed, but I do think that would be a nice gesture. Except for one elderly lady, no one greeted us. They just looked at us. As the pastor and the song leader walked to the front of the church to begin the service, they walked right past us and never seemed to notice us. Now I can understand not noticing someone in a large church, but this was a small church and it was obvious that we were visiting.
During the service, they didn’t recognize visitors. We sat in our seats feeling completely like outsiders. After the service, I waited a few moments in my seat. The pastor remained on the platform. People around us just got up and walked out. A few made eye contact, but that was it.
As we left the church, we greeted people we met with their response being a stare and a nod. When we were pulling out of the parking lot, I looked at their sign, noticing the display of service times, and I wondered why they even put the service hours on their sign since it was obvious that their church was only for their accepted members.
That is a sad commentary indeed.
While each of these cases is horrifying they should not have been allowed to define the entire culture of the church for the people affected.
My pregnant wife and I went to a church for the first time where I was going on a placement. My wife, who is Asian, sat down in an empty pew only to be told by somebody that she was in their seat! Rather than leave we sat in another part of the church. The rest of our time there was joyous and welcoming and when we recounted the story of the pew to the Minister and other parishioners they were equally horrified. Human instinct is to react by walking away but sometimes if you stick with it, it is worth the effort. One person’s comments or
attitude does not and never should define a church.
You have a great heart. I don’t know if I could have stayed.
Thank you….”Wheat and Tares together grow…” Not letting a couple of “bad apples” spoil the whole bunch is as true for the church as anywhere, but because we are the body of Christ, our expectations for each other are naturally higher. Just curious, has anyone who experienced these sorts of situations themselves ever made the effort to give any feedback to the church in a calm and Christ-like spirit, either directly at the time, or indirectly through a letter or other communication after the fact? Maybe extending that hand of grace through admonition might actually help to change the culture in that church…before it’s too late!
When we moved to Ohio we showed up a few minutes late to the first church we visited. We entered through the wrong door and were searching for the sanctuary when a woman coming down the hall stopped us and bluntly said, “what are you doing here?” No greeting, no smile. I told her we were new and trying to find the sanctuary. She pointed, said “that way” and walked off. She was the pastor’s wife. We attended the service. Nobody said a word to us. We never went back and found a different church.
Good move on your part.
When my three nieces were children, my older brother and his wife decided that it was time to go back to church. Both of them had attended church when they were teenagers. My brother was Baptist; his wife, Assembly of God. They decided to attend a local Baptist church with their three children. The members of the church quickly made it plain that children were not welcome in their church. My brother and his wife ever visited another church after that. They did, however, let one of his wife’s younger sisters take the children to her church, an Assembly of God church. One Sunday the girl returned home after church extremely upset. Their Sunday school teacher had cut the head off a doll and told them that is what God does to bad children. My brother and his wife agreed to let my mother and I to take them to our church, an Episcopal church. My brother has one stipulation. He would not agree to their baptism unless they themselves personally accepted Jesus as their Savior and Lord. We respected his wishes in this matter. The girls quickly became a part of the church where they experienced a warm, friendly welcome. and made a number of friends.
Several years later I drove past the local Baptist church that my brother and his wife had visited. The congregation had disbanded and the building was no longer used as a house of worship.
Wow. I am not surprised.
If Paul was alive today, we’d be getting a letter.